Breaking Free from the Comparison Trap: Navigating Social Comparisons for Personal Growth & Well-Being
Embrace Your Unique Journey: Managing Social Comparisons and Cultivating Self-Compassion
Getting stuck in a rut of negative social comparisons can cause a person to experience greater stress, increased self-doubt, lowered self-esteem, feelings of anxiety and lowered mood, as well as lead to self-defeating choices. Arg!
Read on to learn how to prevent unhealthy social comparison.
Images and words are (typically) a highlights reel, a snapshot, a carefully selected, sharable moment from that day. It can be very easy to fill in the blanks, to make assumptions, to bounce the image we see back towards ourselves and to compare.
When we see an image of happy scenes, of trendy outfits, of flawless skin, of tidy houses, of studious children or of highly healthy-looking delicious meals, the danger is that we can drift off from there back to our lives.
We might find ourselves reflecting on the times we were stressed today, to the jumbled together meal we cooked with limited ingredients, to the new spot on our chin or the messy kitchen and piles of laundry.
When we put a metaphorical mirror between a snapshot we observe of others, or images on social media and ourselves, it can easily lead us down a path of ‘I’m not good enough’.
“Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid”
Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein was indeed a clever chap! His quote emphasises the importance of recognising and valuing individual strengths and abilities. It suggests that each person has unique talents and capabilities, and judging someone based on skills that are not their forte can lead to feelings of inadequacy and a distorted self-perception. Just as a fish is not meant to climb trees, individuals should be appreciated for their own unique skills and potential rather than being compared to others in areas where they may not excel.
It is however, human nature to compare.
In human evolutionary theory, the tendency to compare is deeply rooted in our nature as social beings. From an evolutionary perspective, comparison has played a crucial role in our survival and development as a species.
One of the primary reasons for our inclination to compare is the need for social belonging and acceptance. As social creatures, our ancestors relied on group cohesion for protection, resources, and reproduction. In order to secure their place within the social group, individuals would compare themselves to others in terms of their skills, strengths, and attributes. This comparison served as a means to gauge their own abilities and to assess their relative standing within the community.
Comparison has been a mechanism for learning and acquiring knowledge. By observing and comparing the behaviours, skills, and successes of others, early humans could acquire valuable information and strategies to improve their own survival and well-being. Through comparison, individuals could identify effective techniques, adapt behaviours, and acquire new skills, ultimately enhancing their chances of survival and reproduction.
The capacity to compare has also been linked to the development of complex social structures and hierarchies. In order to establish dominance, negotiate status, and ensure reproductive success, people needed to assess their relative position within the social hierarchy. By comparing themselves to others, they could determine their place in the social order and make strategic decisions to improve their status and influence.
While comparison may have served adaptive purposes in our evolutionary past, in modern society it can have negative consequences. Excessive and unhealthy comparisons can lead to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and dissatisfaction. In today's highly interconnected world, social media and constant exposure to curated images and highlight reels of others' lives can amplify the tendency to compare and contribute to negative self-comparisons.
Understanding the evolutionary origins of our inclination to compare can help us navigate the pitfalls of comparison in contemporary life. By cultivating self-awareness, practising self-compassion, and focusing on personal growth rather than comparing ourselves to others, we can harness the positive aspects of comparison while minimising its detrimental effects on our well-being.
Cultivating self compassion
Practising self-compassion and redirecting your thoughts with these compassionate self-talk statements can help you embrace your unique journey and foster a positive mindset that promotes personal growth and well-being.
Here are some examples of compassionate self-talk to reframe social observations:
Instead of feeling inadequate -"I acknowledge that everyone has their own unique journey. I am on my own path, and I embrace my individuality and progress."
Instead of comparing achievements -"I celebrate the accomplishments of others as inspiration for my own growth and personal goals. Their success doesn't diminish mine; it motivates me to strive for my own version of success."
Instead of feeling envious -"I appreciate the unique qualities and strengths that I possess. Each of us has our own set of talents and experiences that make us special."
Instead of criticising your appearance - "I recognise that beauty comes in various forms. I value myself for who I am beyond external appearances and embrace my unique features."
Instead of feeling pressured to keep up - "I choose to focus on my own progress and well-being. My journey is not a race, and I will take the necessary steps at my own pace to achieve my goals."
Instead of feeling diminished by someone's success -"I celebrate the accomplishments of others without diminishing my own worth. We all have our own strengths, and their success does not detract from my own potential."
Instead of feeling left behind: -"I trust in my own path and the timing of my life. I will create my own opportunities and milestones that align with my values and aspirations."
Instead of comparing relationships - "I value the uniqueness of my own relationships and the connections I have built. Each relationship is different, and I cherish the love and support I receive in my own life."
Instead of feeling inadequate in skills or talents -"I appreciate the progress I have made in developing my own skills and talents. I am constantly learning and growing, and I celebrate my own journey of self-improvement."
Instead of seeking external validation - "I find validation from within myself, knowing that my worth is not defined by comparison or the opinions of others. I am enough just as I am."
Being aware of the traps of social comparison can help.
Being aware of the traps of social comparison can help us avoid feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction. Each person's journey is unique, so comparing ourselves to others may not accurately reflect our own values and circumstances. Instead, we can view comparison as a source of inspiration and growth.
Comparison can serve as a catalyst for personal growth and motivation. By drawing inspiration from others' achievements, we can set goals and strive for self-improvement. It can also help us reflect on ourselves and identify areas for positive change and personal development.
To break free from the trap of comparison, we should remember that social media images only show glimpses of someone's life. Embracing our authenticity and appreciating the diversity of human journeys can help us avoid comparing ourselves based on curated posts.
Using our natural inclination towards social comparison as a springboard and motivation to engage in valued driven actions.
To manage the tendency to compare ourselves through social media, we can cultivate self-awareness and practice self-compassion. Instead of measuring our worth against others, we should focus on our own progress, growth, and personal fulfilment. By connecting with our values and using social media as a springboard for our personal goals and aspirations, we can find answers from within.
Taking control of our social media experience is important. We can edit our apps and phone settings, mute or remove groups that upset us, and minimise notifications. By regaining control, we can choose when and how we engage with social media, prioritising our well-being.
We can't control what others post, but we can decide how much we view and how we respond to it.
Reality check
Remember social media images are a snapshot or highlights reel of a person’s life. They are not the whole picture. We don’t know the back story.
In the end, it's crucial to embrace our unique journey, let go of comparison, and focus on self-compassion, self-growth, and genuine happiness. By taking charge of our social media experience, we can break free from the cycle of comparison and live a fulfilling and authentic life.
Break the Cycle of Social Comparison: Embrace Your Unique Path to Happiness
To manage the tendency to compare ourselves through curated social media posts, let's cultivate self-awareness and practice self-compassion.
Rather than measuring our worth based on how we stack up against others, let's focus on our own progress, growth, and personal fulfilment. By shifting our attention to our own goals and achievements, we can identify new aspirations and engage with things, people, and places that bring us a sense of enjoyment and achievement.
When feelings of anxiety arise, it's important to shift our perspective by considering the best and worst possible outcomes, as well as the most realistic outcome. By gaining a more realistic perspective on our problems, we can take practical steps towards positive outcomes.
Connecting with our values about relationships, self-worth, and purpose allows us to find answers from within rather than seeking external validation.
Let our values be the compass that guides our attention and decisions. Let's use what we see on social media as a springboard for our personal hopes, goals, and aspirations.
Remember, your journey is unique and beautiful. Embrace your authenticity, honour your own experiences, and let go of the need for comparison. By managing social comparison and focusing on self-compassion, self-growth, and genuine happiness, you can break free from the cycle and live a fulfilling and authentic life. Take charge of your social media experience and prioritise your well-being.
Hold back judgement & decide to put the ‘mirror’ down.
Practice seeing without placing a mirror to yourself. See the image. Notice without judgement. Refocus your attention on your life. Focus fully on the now and without the ‘mirror’ comparison and internal narrative.
By looking at our own goals and comparing ourself on our own journey we can identify our own achievements, successes, small victories and identify new goals.
Examples of using what you see as a springboard for what you want.
Try to see someone else’s achievements and strengths as inspiration for moving you towards your personal hopes, goals and aspirations.
Could witnessing someone's commitment to a healthy lifestyle inspire you to prioritize self-care, exercise regularly, or adopt a balanced and nutritious diet, or try a new recipe?
Could noticing someone's positive mindset and resilience during challenging times encourage you to cultivate a similar mindset and find inner strength during your own adversities?
Could a post of friends on a group video chat prompt you to schedule one group chat with people you miss seeing regularly?
Could someone's personal growth journey inspire you to embark on your own path of self-discovery, self-improvement, or emotional healing?
Could observing someone's successful relationships motivate you to invest more time and effort into nurturing your own connections, whether with friends, family, or a partner?
Could witnessing someone's commitment to sustainable living inspire you to make conscious choices that reduce your environmental footprint and contribute to a greener future?
Could noticing someone's acts of kindness and compassion encourage you to spread positivity and make a difference in the lives of others through small gestures or volunteer work?
Continued below…
We provide online therapy. Contact us to get matched to the right therapist for you.
Practice external focus on attention and grounding yourself in the present
Start by slowing your breathing down and gently moving your attention to your five senses 5 different sights, 4 different sounds, 3 different things you can feel, 2 smells and one taste (the last two are not always possible). Observe them in a non-judgmental way moving steadily onto the rest without engaging in any mental chatter that might come up. Try to become aware of them all at once for a few minutes and fill your attention with them.
Do something that immerses you - and what is flow?
Engaging in activities that allow you to immerse yourself can be incredibly beneficial for your well-being and attentional focus. According to the theory of flow, developed by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, these immersive experiences can lead to a state of heightened focus, enjoyment, and optimal performance. Flow occurs when you are fully absorbed in an activity, experiencing a sense of deep concentration and being "in the zone."
The beauty of immersing yourself in a skill or hobby is that it provides a break from the constant stimulation of technology and allows you to dedicate quality time to focused, non-phone activities. Whether it's baking, learning to sew, gardening, or dancing in your kitchen, the key is to find an activity that resonates with you and brings you joy.
When you engage in an activity that immerses you, time seems to fly by, and you become completely absorbed in the present moment. This immersion allows you to shift your attention away from comparisons and external distractions, redirecting it toward the task at hand. As you focus on honing your skills and improving your abilities in your chosen activity, you gradually strengthen your attention muscles.
The specific activity you choose to immerse yourself in is personal and should align with your interests and passions. The goal is not to become an expert or achieve perfection but rather to enjoy the process of learning and growing. As you gradually increase your skills and ability in your chosen activity, you will experience a sense of satisfaction and fulfilment.
Immersing yourself in a skill or hobby also offers a respite from the pressures of social comparison. When you are fully engaged in an activity, your attention is directed inward, allowing you to connect with your own thoughts, emotions, and abilities. This self-directed focus promotes self-awareness and self-acceptance, reducing the tendency to compare yourself to others.
So, whether you're kneading dough in the kitchen, painting a picture, tending to your garden, or dancing freely to your favourite tunes, the act of immersing yourself in these activities not only enhances your attention and focus but also provides a much-needed break from the digital world.
Embrace these moments of immersion as an opportunity to cultivate your skills, nurture your well-being, and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Remember, it's not about the outcome; it's about the joy and fulfilment you derive from the process.
Be kinder to yourself
The way we talk to ourselves matters.
Being kinder to ourselves and shifting from negative self-talk to self-compassionate statements can have a profound impact on our well-being and resilience. It's important to recognise that we all have moments of struggle and that comparing ourselves to others is neither fair nor productive.
Instead, we can cultivate a more compassionate and understanding inner dialogue. Here are some examples of how to reframe critical thoughts into more compassionate statements:
Critical Thought: "I'm not managing as well as others."
Compassionate Statement: "I'm doing the best I can in my unique situation. I have my own challenges, and I'm learning and adapting as I go."
Critical Thought: "I should be more productive and accomplished like everyone else." Compassionate Statement: "I'm doing what I can with the resources and energy I have. I acknowledge my efforts and progress, and I celebrate my small wins."
Critical Thought: "I'm not good enough compared to others."
Compassionate Statement: "I am enough just as I am. My worth is not defined by external comparisons. I recognise my strengths, growth, and unique qualities."
Critical Thought: "I should have it all figured out by now."
Compassionate Statement: "It's okay to be uncertain and still figuring things out. Life is a journey of learning and growth, and I give myself permission to take it one step at a time."
Critical Thought: "I always make mistakes and never get things right."
Compassionate Statement: "Mistakes are a natural part of learning and growth. I embrace them as opportunities for growth and self-improvement. I forgive myself for my imperfections."
Critical Thought: "I'm not as successful as others my age."
Compassionate Statement: "Success is subjective, and everyone's journey is different. I celebrate my own achievements and milestones, no matter how big or small. I focus on my own progress and aspirations."
Remember, self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same kindness, understanding, and support that we would extend to a close friend. By shifting our internal dialogue from criticism to compassion, we create a nurturing and empowering environment within ourselves. These compassionate statements can help us navigate challenging situations with greater resilience and self-acceptance.
You too are admired - you might not believe me, but if you post things on social media, you WILL have others looking at your life and admiring you.
Using Positive affirmations
Positive affirmations are powerful statements that can help shift our mindset, boost self-confidence, and cultivate a more positive and empowering inner dialogue. By consciously repeating affirmations, we reinforce positive beliefs about ourselves and our abilities. They serve as reminders of our strength, resilience, and capacity for growth. Incorporating positive affirmations into our daily routine can have a transformative effect on our self-perception and overall well-being.
Repeat after me!
You are doing the best you can - ‘I am doing the best I can’
You are stronger than you think you are - ‘I am strong’
You will get through this - ‘I will get through this’
You can do this - ‘I’ve got this, I can do it’
You are deserving of love and happiness - "I am deserving of love and happiness."
You are enough just as you are - "I am enough."
If you struggle with self-comparison and want to learn ways of managing unhelpful thoughts and feelings, do get in touch. We have many super skilled CBT therapists and Psychologists who are ready to offer online video therapy. www.MyTherapistOnline.co.uk