Why Telling Someone to 'Calm Down' Doesn't Help - The Power of Validation in Emotional Situations

The phrase "calm down" is often given as a form of advice to someone who is experiencing strong emotions such as anger, anxiety, or panic. Be honest, how many times have you said those very words ‘calm down!!!”? While the intention behind this advice will of course be to help the person feel better, in practice, it often has either little impact or can also have the opposite effect.

There are a few reasons why telling someone to calm down is usually ineffective. Firstly, when someone is experiencing strong emotions (for example anxiety or anger), they are often in a heightened state of arousal.

Their threat system is activated. A fight-or-flight response is a natural response to a perceived threat. That perceived threat may not necessarily be obvious to us, it could be fear of failure, a felt sense of injustice, fear of criticism, a fear of rejection or fear of danger. In this state, the person’s body is flooded with adrenaline and other stress hormones, which can make it difficult for them to think logically or rationally.

In this state, they are not likely to be receptive to rational arguments or advice. Instead, they may feel defensive, frustrated, or even angry at being told to calm down. This can make them more resistant to the advice and less likely to actually calm down.

Telling someone to calm down (even if it comes from a really, really good place) could also be perceived as dismissive of their feelings.

If someone is upset, anxious, or angry, it is important to acknowledge and validate their emotions, rather than telling them to simply suppress or ignore them.

When someone feels heard and understood, they are more likely to be able to regulate their emotions on their own.

How to help using validating statements

The phrase "calm down" can be interpreted as a command or an order. People generally don't like to be told what to do, especially when they are already feeling vulnerable or out of control. When someone is told to calm down, they may feel like they are being bossed around or patronised. This can further exacerbate their emotional state and make it even harder for them to calm down.

While the intention behind telling someone to calm down may be well-meaning, it is usually ineffective because it can be perceived as dismissive, bossy, or unhelpful.

Instead of telling someone to calm down, it may be more helpful to validate their feelings and offer support.

Validating someone's emotions means acknowledging how they feel and showing that you understand and accept their feelings, even if you may not agree with them or fully understand them.

Here are some examples of validating statements that you could use to support someone:

• "I'm sorry that you're feeling so overwhelmed right now. It's understandable given everything that's been going on."

• "It sounds like you're really upset. That's a difficult thing to go through."

• "I can see how much this is affecting you, and it makes sense that you would feel that way."

• "It's okay to feel anxious about this. Your feelings are valid and it's normal to be worried."

• "I hear what you're saying and I can imagine how hard this must be for you."

• "I can see that you're feeling anxious right now. Is there anything I can do to help?"

This shows that you are empathetic to their situation and are willing to offer assistance if needed.

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Other strategies that can help someone in a high level of emotion

Here are some tips for supporting someone to calm their threat system:

• Practice active listening: Listen carefully to what the person is saying and validate their feelings. Show them that you understand what they are going through and that their feelings are important.

• Acknowledge their experience: Acknowledge the person's feelings and experiences as valid and real. Let them know that it's okay to feel the way they do.

• Encourage them to take a break: Suggest that they take a few minutes to themselves to pause, take some space and breathe.

• Teach them deep breathing exercises: Encourage them to take deep breaths in through their nose and out through their mouth, counting to three or four on the inhale and exhale.

• Suggest mindfulness or meditation: Explain the benefits of mindfulness or meditation, and suggest that they try a guided meditation or a mindfulness exercise to help them relax.

• Help them focus on the present moment: Encourage them to focus on what they can see, hear, feel, and smell in the present moment to ground themselves.

• Provide practical support: Offer practical support, such as helping them to problem-solve, brainstorm solutions, or identify resources that may be helpful.

  
  
  
  
  

Try to avoid judgement or criticism

It is extremely important that you do not judge or criticise the person. An example of this could be “oh no here we go again again, you were fine a moment ago, why do you have to ruin a good time?”,  “why don’t you just stop this nonsense?”. This is likely to lead the person to withdrawing from talking about their experiences with you, hiding unhelpful behaviours and suppressing emotions. It can also cause problems within your relationship and make it harder for the person to seek help when they most need it. 

Let the person know that they can talk to you honestly and openly without any fear of judgement. Let them know hat you are not going to change the way you think of feel about them based on anything they say.

Taking a step back to check-in with our own emotional response.

You are not expected to be the expert and know all the answers

You are not expected in any way to know all the answers. You don’t have to fully understand, to help the person to feel validated, loved and cared for.

There is nothing wrong with asking them for guidance about how best you can help in line with what they are learn in therapy. 

You could say:

“I can see you are really struggling, is there anything you know I can do or say that would help you?” or ”is there something you have learnt in therapy that could help you move forwards?”. 

‘I can see you have been battling a lot of anxiety this morning and I want to support you. Please help me to understand better the words that would best help you when you are struggling?’

The overall aim is to help them to feel loved, understood and to reduce a feeling of shame about what they are struggling with.

The calming power of a hug

When words just don’t feel enough, a warm hug can be incredibly soothing and supportive.

Hugs offer a range of psychological benefits for those seeking comfort and calm. Beyond releasing oxytocin, the "love hormone" that promotes feelings of happiness, bonding and reduces anxiety, hugging can help us feel connected and less lonely.

A hug can reduce cortisol levels, the stress hormone, providing a sense of relaxation. By increasing levels of dopamine and serotonin, hugs can help calm, and overall improve a person’s mood, feelings of support and a sense of well-being.

Pulling it all together - moving on from “calm down” to more helpful responses

When emotions run high, we often find ourselves at a loss for words. We want to help, but what do we say? "Calm down" seems like a natural choice, but as it turns out, it's not as helpful as we might think.

Telling someone to calm down is often ineffective, as it can make them feel dismissed or bossed around. A better approach is to validate their feelings by acknowledging and accepting their emotions, even if you may not agree with them or fully understand them. This approach can help them regulate their emotions on their own, which is an important step in managing strong emotions.

Other helpful strategies include active listening, acknowledging their experience, encouraging them to take a break, teaching them deep breathing exercises, suggesting mindfulness or meditation, helping them focus on the present moment, and providing practical support.

It is essential to avoid judgement or criticism, as this may lead to the person withdrawing from talking about their experiences, hiding unhelpful behaviours, and suppressing emotions. Instead, let the person know that they can talk to you honestly and openly without any fear of judgement.

Remember that you are not expected to be the expert and know all the answers; you are just expected to offer empathy and support.

So, the next time someone you know is feeling overwhelmed, try validating their feelings instead of telling them to calm down. It may take some practice, but it's a powerful tool that can help them feel heard, understood, and supported. Together, we can create a more compassionate world, one validation at a time.

Lisa Johnston

CBT Therapist

My Therapist Online

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