Learning to surf the waves of emotions when the sea is calm equips us for the more stormy days.
As individuals, we can develop emotional regulation skills during times of stability and calmness to prepare ourselves for handling intense emotions during times of stress or crisis. By doing so, we can better manage and adapt to our emotional experiences in a healthy and adaptive manner.
Just like a surfer balances and adjusts to the shifting waves, we can learn to ride the ups and downs of our emotions with flexibility and adaptability. Practicing these skills during calm times can equip us to handle the challenges of intense emotions during difficult times.
It's similar to how athletes train and practice during times of calmness and stability to prepare themselves for the high-pressure moments during a game. By developing emotional regulation skills during stable times, we can handle intense emotions that arise during stressful situations, navigate difficult situations and prevent them from escalating.
To achieve emotional regulation, we can explore some strategies that work for us individually.
What is emotional regulation and how does learning emotional regulation skills help us?
Emotional regulation is our ability to manage and control our own emotions in response to different situations, events, or people. It involves being able to recognise and understand our emotions, to tolerate and cope with negative emotions, and to express emotions in a healthy and appropriate manner.
Emotional regulation can involve a variety of strategies, including mindfulness, cognitive reappraisal, problem-solving, and relaxation techniques. Effective emotional regulation can lead to improved relationships, greater resilience in the face of adversity, and better overall mental and emotional well-being.
Developing Mindfulness Skills
Practicing mindfulness can help us to become more aware of our emotions and the physical sensations that accompany them. By focusing on the present moment without judgment, we can develop greater emotional self-awareness and learn to respond to our emotions in a more constructive way.
Exercise - A simple mindfulness skill
A simple mindfulness skill that can be applied in any situation is simply called "noticing." This skill involves paying attention to your surroundings and your internal experience in a non-judgmental way, without trying to change or control anything.
To practice noticing, simply take a moment to observe your environment and your inner experience without any judgment or analysis.
Pause and take a deep breath.
Focus your attention on your senses. Notice what you see, hear, feel, smell, and taste in the present moment.
Observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Notice any thoughts or emotions that come up, but try not to get caught up in them or analyse them.
Bring your attention back to your breath. Take a few deep breaths and focus your attention on the sensation of your breath moving in and out of your body.
Repeat as needed.
Cognitive restructuring or reframing tricky thoughts
In order to develop our emotional regulation skills, we must first notice the types of thoughts that regularly show up and can be tricky for us. We can do this by paying attention to when our mood shifts negatively and identifying any tricky thoughts that may have occurred before, during or after that shift.
One of the key concepts in CBT is recognising that our thoughts are not always based on facts, but are often based on guesses or predictions that we make about ourselves, others, or the world around us. For instance, if we receive a short and to-the-point text message from a friend, we might assume that our friend is upset with us. However, this thought is not necessarily based on fact, but rather on our own prediction or assumption.
To challenge these negative thoughts and develop more positive outlooks, we can identify the evidence that supports or refutes our thoughts and look for alternative explanations that are more realistic and positive. By replacing negative thoughts with more positive, compassionate, kind, and/or realistic ones, we can reduce the intensity of negative emotions.
To help us explore alternative perspectives, a CBT therapist may use several questions to challenge all-or-nothing thinking and help us develop more balanced and realistic perspectives. We can also ask ourselves these questions, such as:
"Is there evidence that supports this thought?"
"Is there evidence that refutes this thought?"
"What is another way to interpret this situation?"
"What advice would I give to a friend in this situation?"
By doing so, we can challenge our negative thoughts and develop more helpful and realistic perspectives.
By taking some time to reflect on the tricky thoughts that show up we can start to develop more flexible and adaptive thinking patterns, which can lead to improved mood and well-being.
Develop a toolbox of relaxation techniques
By practicing relaxation techniques, we can activate this soothing response and train our body to become better at handling stress and anxiety.
For instance, when we practice deep breathing, we can slow down our breathing rate and increase the amount of oxygen in our body. This triggers the body's relaxation response, which can help to reduce the symptoms of stress and anxiety.
Similarly, meditation and guided imagery can help us focus our attention on the present moment and cultivate a sense of calm and relaxation. Progressive muscle relaxation involves tensing and relaxing different muscle groups in the body, which can also help to reduce muscle tension and promote relaxation.
In summary, by incorporating relaxation techniques into our daily routine, we can help to reduce stress and anxiety and promote emotional well-being. These techniques can be particularly helpful for managing anxiety, depression, and PTSD, among other emotional and psychological issues.
Exercise - 4-7-8 - Breath work
Breath work is a relaxation technique that involves focused breathing exercises to help calm the mind and body. There are several types of breath work, but a common soothing and relaxing breath work technique is the 4-7-8 breath.
The 4-7-8 breath work technique involves breathing in through the nose for 4 seconds, holding the breath for 7 seconds, and exhaling through the mouth for 8 seconds. The technique can be repeated several times, or as needed, to induce a state of relaxation and calmness.
To practice the 4-7-8 breath work technique, follow these steps:
Find a comfortable and quiet place to sit or lie down.
Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to settle into your body.
Begin by exhaling completely through your mouth, making a whooshing sound.
Close your mouth and inhale through your nose to a count of 4.
Hold your breath for a count of 7.
Exhale through your mouth, making a whooshing sound, to a count of 8.
Repeat the cycle for several rounds, or as long as you feel comfortable.
The 4-7-8 breathwork technique can help to slow down the heart rate, reduce muscle tension, and increase feelings of calmness and relaxation. It can be particularly helpful for managing feelings of anxiety, stress, and other negative emotions. With regular practice, this breathwork technique can become a useful tool for soothing and relaxing the body and mind, and improving emotional regulation.
Movement & exercise
Physical activity releases endorphins, which are natural mood-boosters. Engaging in regular exercise can help you regulate your emotions, reduce stress, and improve your overall mood.
Adding in regular exercise to our weelky routines is beneficial for emotional regulation in several ways. First, it releases endorphins, which reduce stress and improve mood, allowing us to regulate our emotions more effectively.
Second, exercise can build physical resilience and self-efficacy, which can lead to greater confidence and resilience, translating into greater emotional resilience and regulation.
Regular exercise also provides a healthy outlet for negative emotions, helping us to avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Adding in regular exercise can be an effective tool for building emotional regulation and resilience. It helps individuals reduce stress, build self-efficacy, provide a healthy outlet for negative emotions contributing to a more positive and balanced emotional state.
“I have been taking a 30-minute walk every day for the past few months, and I've noticed a significant improvement in my emotional regulation and well-being. When I first started walking, I would often feel stressed and overwhelmed by the thoughts running through my head. However, I soon realised that the act of walking and being outside allowed me to reframe my thoughts and put things into perspective.
During my walks, I like to take deep breaths and focus on my surroundings. I notice the trees, the sounds of birds, and the feel of the sun on my skin. This helps me to be more present and mindful, which in turn helps me to regulate my emotions more effectively. If I'm feeling particularly stressed or anxious, I'll focus on my breath and try to slow it down, which helps me to feel more relaxed and calm.
I've also found that walking helps to boost my mood. The endorphins released during exercise have a powerful effect on my overall sense of well-being, and I often feel more positive and energized after my walk. This has helped me to develop a more positive outlook on life and feel more equipped to handle whatever challenges come my way.” Sally.
An Acceptance & Commitment (ACT) technique for riding the waves of emotions.
ACE - Acknowledge. Come Back. Engage
Acknowledge. The next time you notice an increase in emotions (anxiety, anger or panic for example), pause, take a slow breath. Take a moment to recognise that your threat system has shown up, and label what you are feeling. This can give us a moment to defuse the feelings enough to be able to more fully access our wisdom, and therefore creating power over these feelings. The wisdom to know these feelings can not harm us and they will pass.
Come back to the now and your surroundings. I often call this ‘dropping anchor’. Come back to the facts rather than going on a journey with your emotions. Do not try to push or battle these feelings or thoughts away. Practice an alternative response.
Shift your attention externally. Involve yourself in your external surroundings. Look up, look around, pay attention to what is going on around you. Listen to the different noises near and far, loud and quiet. Notice colours, sights and textures. Engage with all of yours senses.
Engage. Move your attention to actively engage in a values driven activity. Engage in something that matters to you. Do a task that uses your hands. Make a good old cup of tea for yourself or a loved one, focusing on the noises of the boiling water, the warmth and flavours. Have a conversation with someone and really pay attention to what they are saying. Sing along to some music. The aim is to engage fully in the present moment.
Social support
““Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued - when they can give and receive without judgment.””
Developing and working on looking after our social connections can be crucial for emotional regulation as it can provide a supportive network to turn to in times of stress and help moderate and regulate our emotions from escalating.
Talking to a trusted friend or family member about our emotions can help us process them and gain a new perspective on the situation. This can help us to identify unhelpful thinking patterns and develop more balanced and realistic ways of thinking, which can in turn lead to better emotional regulation.
Having a supportive network can help us to feel less isolated and alone in our struggles, which can be an important factor in reducing stress and promoting emotional well-being. When we feel connected to others, we are more likely to feel supported and validated, which can in turn help us to feel more resilient and better able to cope with life's challenges.
““There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” ”
John Holmes speaks to the profound impact that helping others can have on our emotional wellbeing. When we extend a helping hand to someone in need, we not only provide support and assistance to them, but we also benefit ourselves in the process.
Helping others can be a powerful way to regulate our emotions, especially when we are experiencing difficult or overwhelming feelings. By focusing on someone else's needs, we are able to shift our attention away from our own problems and concerns, and gain a sense of perspective and purpose. This can help us feel more positive and hopeful, and reduce the intensity of negative emotions such as stress, anxiety, and sadness.
Seeking support from a mental health professional can also be an incredibly effective way to develop healthy coping strategies and improve emotional regulation. A trained therapist can provide a safe and non-judgmental space to explore and process our emotions, and can help us develop new skills and strategies for managing stress and regulating our emotions.
Ultimately, the value of developing social connections lies in the fact that it provides a valuable source of support and validation, which can help us to feel less overwhelmed and better equipped to cope with life's challenges.
By connecting with others, be that a friend of a therapist, and seeking support when we need it, we can develop greater emotional regulation and resilience, which can lead to a more positive and fulfilling life.
Lisa Johnston
Director My Therapist Online
CBT & EMDR Therapist
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