Embracing Kindness Within. The Power of Compassionate Self-Talk in Therapy
Compassionate self-talk refers to the practice of speaking to yourself in a gentle, kind, and understanding manner when you're faced with challenging situations or when struggling with negative or critical thoughts.
It involves offering yourself words of comfort, reassurance, and support, similar to how you would speak to a close friend or loved one in need.
Compassionate self-talk might not come naturally to everyone, but it has been proven to be a really positive skill to nurture as you step into ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) tasks within your therapy. Like any skill, it requires practice.
Compassionate self-talk is not only a balm for moments of struggle but can also help you to check in on the wisdom and courage within yourself. It's about recognizing your inner strength to face life’s challenges and acknowledging the bravery it takes to grow and heal.
This self-compassion is the voice of your wiser self, reminding you that enduring discomfort often leads to meaningful change and discovery.
Facing your fears is an act of courage that deserves recognition and respect. Through compassionate self-talk, you nurture your resilience, empowering yourself to continue on your journey with both kindness and fortitude.
When you experience intrusive thoughts or find yourself in a state of heightened anxiety, your threat system can become activated, leading to increased stress and emotional discomfort. Compassionate self-talk serves as a powerful tool for soothing this raised threat system. It helps counteract self-criticism, self-judgment, and harsh inner dialogue by replacing them with words of self-compassion and understanding.
By practising compassionate self-talk, it can help reduce self-criticism, soothe emotional distress, foster resilience and challenge distorted thoughts.
Reduce self-criticism - Compassionate self-talk encourages us to be gentle and understanding with ourselves, fostering a nurturing and non-judgmental attitude. It helps counteract negative self-talk and promotes self-acceptance.
Soothe emotional distress - When our threat system is activated, we may experience heightened anxiety, fear, or sadness. Compassionate self-talk offers comfort and reassurance, providing a soothing effect on our emotional state.
Foster resilience - By cultivating self-compassion, we develop a greater capacity to bounce back from difficult experiences. Compassionate self-talk helps us build resilience and cope effectively with challenging situations.
Challenge distorted thoughts - Intrusive thoughts often come with distorted beliefs or irrational fears. Compassionate self-talk can help challenge these distortions by providing a more balanced and realistic perspective.
““Treating yourself with compassion and understanding is not a form of self-indulgence but a means of self-preservation and emotional resilience. It’s about recognizing that the kindness you offer to yourself is the foundation of your strength and well-being, allowing you to flourish and grow.””
Examples of Compassionate self talk.
I hope these help you to come up with some of your own. Try to chose compassionate statements that resonate with you and your unique journey.
"It takes courage to face my fears, and I'm proud of myself for doing the hard work."
"I am more than my thoughts and feelings, and every step I take in CBT/ERP helps me grow and break free from the anxiety."
"Each moment of discomfort is a step towards taking back control of my life."
"I am learning to tolerate this feeling because I know it leads to my growth."
"This anxiety is temporary, and with each exposure, I am building resilience."
"I can handle these feelings without giving in to compulsions; I am capable."
"It's okay to feel uncertain; what I'm doing is challenging but worthwhile."
"My efforts count, no matter how small they seem, and they will add up to big changes."
"I am gentle with myself because recovery is a process, not a race."
"I trust in the process of ERP, even when it's difficult, because it's the path to healing."
"Each time I resist a compulsion, I am reaffirming my commitment to my well-being, my valued directions and goals."
"I allow myself to experience these thoughts without judgment, as they do not define me."
"It's okay to ask for support when I'm struggling; I don't have to do this alone."
"I give myself permission to take this one step at a time, at a pace that feels right for me."
"I am cultivating patience and understanding with myself as I navigate this journey."
"I celebrate every victory, no matter how small, because they all contribute to my progress."
"I acknowledge my fear and choose to move forward with courage and self-compassion."
"I am not my thoughts; I am the observer and I can choose how I respond."
"By facing my fears, I am creating a life that is guided by my values, not my OCD."
"This challenge will shape me into a stronger person, and I am grateful for the growth it brings."
I recommend writing your own statements down somewhere you can access them when you most need them - on your therapy notepad, or maybe on a note on your phone. The act of writing them down can help us to learn them and store them for when we need to draw upon them.
Another way of cultivating compassionate statements that are really helpful and effective is to consider what really resonates with you as soothing and comassionate. The below questions may help you draw upon your own wording, tones and detail:
"What kind words would you offer to a friend facing a similar situation or feeling?"
"How do you think a compassionate friend or mentor would respond to you when you're struggling?"
"What are the differences between how you currently talk to yourself during difficult times and how you wish you could?"
"If you were to express understanding and kindness towards yourself, what would that sound like? What tone would it have"
"What are some qualities or strengths you genuinely appreciate about yourself? How can you remind yourself of these during challenging times?"
"Can you think of a phrase or sentence that brings you comfort or peace when you're feeling down or anxious?"
"How might your daily life change if you were more compassionate towards yourself? Can you visualise or articulate what that would look like in specific situations?"
By reflecting on these questions, you can begin to identify and develop self-compassionate statements that resonate with your personal experiences, fostering a kinder, more understanding relationship with themselves.
When our threat system is activated, it can be tricky to access these new nurturing statements, which can often lead s to getting hooked into the old and well practiced anxious responses. My advice here is:
1 - Step into the role of being a “noticer “ - Notice the the negative thought and feelings. “I’m noticing I am having a worrying or upsetting though and whoosh of upsetting feelings”
2 - Pause - take some (5-6) slow and soothing breaths.
3 - Shift your attention to the outside world - look around at what you can see. Identify what you can hear in front of you, behind you, further away or really near.
4 - Read the compassionate statements you wrote down after reading this text. Decide which ones are the most appropriate or helpful right now.
““Compassion acts as a gentle embrace, calming the storm within and restoring harmony to our threatened selves.””
Compassionate self-talk is a powerful practice that can shift your mindset from self-criticism to self-compassion. It enables you to be kind and understanding toward yourself, soothing your raised threat system and promoting emotional well-being.
This article aims to underscore the significance of gentle, understanding self-dialogue in overcoming challenges and negative thought patterns.
Compassionate self-talk, akin to the comfort you might offer a close friend, is a beneficial skill for those engaging in Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) tasks within therapy. This practice serves not only as a soothing agent during moments of struggle but also as a means to recognise your inner strength and courage necessary for personal growth and healing.
It's about acknowledging your resilience in the face of fear and discomfort, which leads to meaningful change.
Compassionate self-talk counters self-criticism and emotional distress by fostering a nurturing, non-judgmental attitude, promoting self-acceptance, and offering a realistic perspective against distorted thoughts.
Through the examples of compassionate statements we have provided, we hope you are encouraged to find phrases that resonate with your unique journey, reinforcing your commitment to well-being, challenging fears with courage, and celebrating every step of progress towards healing.
Enhancing Your Journey with My Therapist Online. The Role of Compassion-Focused Therapy
At My Therapist Online, we have therapists who are trained in Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), ready to help you develop the skills of compassion. Our CFT therapists are skilled at guiding individuals through the process of cultivating kindness towards themselves, enhancing their ability to engage in compassionate self-talk. This therapy is particularly helpful for those who find it challenging to be gentle with themselves, offering strategies and support to strengthen self-compassion and resilience in the face of life's difficulties.
Lisa Johnston
CBT and EMDR Therapist
Director My Therapist Online
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