How to prevent self comparison & its negative impact on your wellbeing.
ALL of our worlds have become a little smaller. We are ALL doing the best we can to muddle through this time. To adapt to a new way of living. We are ALL finding our feet and navigating this huge shift in our daily lives.
I’ll cut to the key point here (in case you don’t read on). It is important that we take a step back however, to consciously remember that everyone’s unique set-up is very different. We do not ALL have the same work from home set-up, work schedule, budget, energy, creativity, number of people in our home, children, pets, or responsibility for caring for others outside of our home.
Comparing yourself unfavourably to others is one of the most unhelpful, and I’ll go as far as saying, one of the most harmful behaviours we can do to ourselves during a time of trouble.
Getting stuck in a rut of negative social comparisons can cause a person to experience greater stress, increased self-doubt, lowered self-esteem, feelings of anxiety and lowered mood, as well as lead to self-defeating choices.
Read on to learn how to prevent unhealthy social comparison at a time where we could really do without its detrimental impact on our wellbeing.
We, humans, are social beings. At times of trouble, we would usually go towards each other. Seek support from our friends and family, our ‘tribe’. Without this option during social distancing and isolation, we will no doubt try to stay in touch with people through video calls and messaging. Letting people know we care about them. Looking at what people are up to on their social media pages, more than we might usually.
ALL good, ALL great and ALL positive. But. Unlike seeing people in person or on a face-to-face video chat, images and words cannot communicate the full picture.
Images and words are (typically) a highlights reel, a snapshot, a carefully selected, sharable moment from that day. It can be very easy to fill in the blanks, to make assumptions, to bounce the image we see back towards ourself and compare.
When we see an image of happy scenes, of trendy outfits, of flawless skin, of tidy houses, of studious children or of highly healthy-looking delicious meals, the danger is that we can drift off from there back to our lives.
We might find ourselves reflecting on the times we were stressed today, to the jumbled together meal we cooked with limited ingredients, to the new spot on our chin or the messy kitchen and piles of laundry.
When we put a metaphorical mirror between images on social media and ourselves, it can easily lead us down a path of ‘I’m not good enough’.
“Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid”
Albert Einstein
It is human nature to compare. The trick here is helping it to be a motivator and a springboard to living our best and most fulfilling lives. The trap is using it as a benchmark for what we think our life should be.
The problem comes when we compare our behind the scenes to others highlight reels.
The problem is when we start pinning our happiness with ourselves on how we measure up to others. Social media images are a SNAPSHOT or HIGHLIGHTS REEL of a person’s life. They are NOT the whole picture. We don’t know the back-story. So often, what we assume about others isn’t accurate.
The reality is that we all experience emotions, we can have a medley of emotions (good and bad) throughout a day, within an hour, within the space of 10 minutes (particularly if you are living with children!). A snapshot will never be able to fully or clearly demonstrate that, nor should it have to. Because a person is not sharing those beige moments doesn’t mean they are presenting an inauthentic version of themselves, they are editing the highlights of their life and choosing the moments they want to share.
So how do we break or reduce the cycle of self-comparison?
As with any unhealthy habit, the first step to change is to bring your awareness to it. Name it for what it is and decide on some personal, actionable steps. Below I have summarised my recommendations.
Reality check
Remember social media images are a snapshot or highlights reel of a person’s life. They are not the whole picture. We don’t know the back-story.
Hold back judgement & decide to put the ‘mirror’ down.
Practice seeing without placing a mirror to yourself. See the image. Notice without judgement. Refocus your attention on your life. Focus fully on the now and without the ‘mirror’ comparison and internal narrative.
By looking at our own goals and comparing ourself on our own journey we can identify our own achievements, successes, small victories and identify new goals.
We can choose to use the social media images as a springboard for re-connecting, and engaging with things, people and places that bring us a sense of enjoyment and achievement.
Shift the perspective - If you find yourself getting anxious ask yourself;
What is the worst thing that could happen? What is the best possible thing that could happen? What is the most realistic outcome?
Once you have come up with a more realistic perspective on a problem, it then helps to think through more practical things you can do to help those positive outcomes to be more likely to happen.
Connect with your values - When we consider our values about relationships, self worth and purpose, we realise that the answers for each of these come from within, not from external accomplishments or possessions or status. Reconnect with yours and let these be the compass for your attention.
Use what you see as a springboard for what you want - Try to see someone else’s achievements and strengths as inspiration for moving you towards your personal hopes, goals and aspirations.
Could seeing someones extremely healthy-looking meal motivate you to try a new recipe?
Could a post of friends on a group video chat prompt you to schedule one group chat with people you miss seeing regularly?
Could someones at home sporting efforts get you putting your trainers on and having a go at a free online sports class?
Focus on what you can control - We can’t control what others post on social media, but we CAN decide how much of it we view and how we respond to it.
Edit your apps & phone settings - Mute the groups that are upsetting or annoying you. Delete or move the apps that suck you out of your life for too long. I also recommend turning off notifications on apps, so you are less regularly prompted to get stuck into a trap of scrolling. Or better still, keep your phone on silent so you can be in charge of when you decide to look at it, rather than it pinging and prompting you.
Shift your focus - Instead of focusing inwards. Shift your attention to those around you and to reaching out to others.
Acts of kindness and generosity will help others as well as lift your mood too. If you are able to, drop off food and supplies to those you know need them, or donate to food banks next time you do a food shop.
Set yourself new boundaries on the time you spend on social media - We could all benefit from periods of time to disconnect, to rest and digest the volume of information and stimuli we get in a day. You will free up more of your time to spend focusing on driving your values and goals forwards, on your own self-worth, self care. To spend more time own creative or personal projects away from a screen.
Practice external focus on attention and grounding yourself in the present
Start by slowing your breathing down and gently moving your attention to your five senses 5 different sights, 4 different sounds, 3 different things you can feel, 2 smells and one taste (the last two are not always possible). Observe them in a non-judgmental way moving steadily onto the rest without engaging in any mental chatter that might come up. Try to become aware of them all at once for a few minutes and fill your attention with them.
Do something that immerses you - Engaging in a skill or a hobby which enables you to get totally absorbed in it, can protect time for quality non-phone focus in a day. Bake, learn to sew, garden or turn up the tunes and just dance in your kitchen.
What you choose to do is personal to you. It doesn't matter how you choose to strengthen your attention muscles, just make sure you choose to do it, so that you can gradually increase your skills and ability to do it.
Be kinder to yourself - The way we talk to ourself matters. Negative self-talk can become internalised feelings and can lead to negative conceptions of ourself. Even a small shift in the way we talk to ourself can influence our ability to regulate our feelings, thoughts and behaviours when under stress.
Give yourself credit for doing the best you can to cope in a difficult situation. Instead of “I’m not managing as well as others’ try ‘I’m doing the best I can in my unique situation. I’m learning what works my myself (and my family)’.
You too are admired - you might not believe me, but if you post things on social media, you WILL have others looking at your life and admiring you.
Express gratitude - expressing gratitude is linked with increased optimism, life satisfaction and overall wellbeing.
Throw away the ‘I should’ statements - give yourself permission to cut back on overly high standards.
A note to working parents
The children won’t notice or remember if they haven’t learnt a great deal during this time, if the house is a jumble or if their hair needs cutting. They will, however, remember how they felt at this time.
If you are trying to juggle working and parenting children - please remember (particularly when looking at what others have posted on their social media feeds) these are two different jobs and it is almost impossible to do both at the same time, or both 100% well at the same time.
You are doing the best you can given the significantly increased workload.
If you are feeling stressed try to identify where you can lower your standards.
Just do the best you can and be mindful if you are comparing yourself to a snapshot of someone else’s ‘perfect parenting moment’ they chose to share on social media. It is not possible to do both jobs 100% for any length of time.
Pace yourself. Be kind to yourself. Please be realistic about what is achievable.
Positive affirmations - And finally, repeat after me!
You are doing the best you can - ‘I am doing the best I can’
You are stronger than you think you are - ‘I am strong’
You will get through this - ‘I will get through this’
You can do this - ‘I’ve got this, I can do it’
If you struggle with self-comparison and want to learn ways of managing unhelpful thoughts and feelings, do get in touch. We have many super skilled CBT therapists and Psychologists who are ready to offer online video therapy. www.MyTherapistOnline.co.uk
